My father literally snorted when we told him Toby was going to start playing soccer at the local YMCA.

“So, this makes you… a soccer mom???!!!!” he queried incredulously.

This is what happens when you spend your 20s gallivanting, surround yourself with animals and profess they’re your children, don’t get married until you’re 38 and then wait until 40 to create another human. Me becoming a mother boggled Dad’s mind. Me becoming a suburban stereotype? He just can’t imagine it.

But it’s OK, really, because I’m not really the “soccer mom” in this scenario. Sure, I signed the kid up and I’ll be in attendance at every practice and game I can. But I am much more laid back about this whole process than a certain male spouse in this household.

Did you know they make shin-guards for 3-year-olds? We bought shin-guards the size of my hand. And they were the MEDIUM size!!! Are there 2-year-olds out there signing up for soccer?

Toddler-size cleats, however, those they don’t stock at sporting goods stores in sizes small enough. Those, my friends, we had to order off Amazon. They’re on their way.

I would have been happy sending the munchkin to practice in tennis shoes and socks. I mean, really, I anticipate this first year of play to being focused mostly on not falling flat on his back while trying to kick the ball. Shin-guards I can maybe see, mostly from a “Why not be as preventative as possible” perspective. But cleats? We’re going to be lucky if these kids stay within the confines of the field and don’t beat feet down the road. Why give them more traction to terrorize?

After our trip to buy equipment to preserve my child’s fibulas and tibias, we dined (that word is an exaggeration if I ever heard one) at Buffalo Wild Wings, Toby’s FAVORITE. (YOU haven’t lived until you’ve heard ‘Buffawo Wiud Wins’ pronounced with the 3-year-old lisp.) A U.S. women’s soccer game was on the big screen, and Toby watched, positively entranced.

We didn’t talk too much about what was going on with the game, but the next night during dinner, he told us, “There are two goals in soccer.” It’s a start. Bring on the soccer!!!